This year has started off just great. In June, college is over without a degree or a career aspect. I have to find a job that I know I’ll hate. I’m now out of another med and can have a psychotic break at any moment. Dreams are that, just empty dreams. Nothing coming true how much I hope and pray. Or work on it each day. I say I’m a writer without anything published or anything known to man. My faith in God and of people is gone. Suicide is not an answer, but is on my mind. Giving into doubt and endless wonder. Holding me here is my wife her family and part of mine. If God is in control, why does my life feel so out of control? This year has just begun, but I want it over.
I thought of this today “suicide” not in the way to commit it as I was to do something harmful to myself in response to life’s ever evolving and ever disappointing battle. I thought of this as why do I want to destroy something that I have struggled with for many years. Do I want to give up, do I give a damn? I, however, found myself in a pit a deep one. One with many thoughts and droughts about myself. I didn’t know where to turn so I opened my email read the scripture of the day and then opened my mind to the possibilities that are never ending. I wanted to commit “suicide” in the way that I wanted to give up on writing and dreaming, but then I said if I don’t dream I don’t hope if I don’t hope, subsequently I don’t believe things will change or get better. So now I dream to hope, hope to dream life will run like a river stream with bumps, ups and downs, but then I know I made it around to the other side of the river, and there I will find a calm open mind to let things flow out like a gentle breeze.
