people talk about passion, it is an yearning for something that one puts their
whole heart into. They just can’t get enough of that something or someone.
Well, this I thought I had about writing spending the past 20 years reading and
learning, but another class and another editor says I have a long way to go.
What the hell have I been doing these 20 years just wishing I was a writer and
sitting on my hands? No! I just read and write. Why am I not better at what I
thought I loved or was passionate about? Why, do I keep getting told I have a
long way to go? People reading this those very few might see that this what I’m
writing now had errors in it. Such as grammar, punctuation, spelling and
others. Why can’t I get the help my cousin Wilson Rawls did?

You may have read some of my other posts, and if you have you may read a lot of
me bitching and moaning about things. You might be sick of it well I’m sorry.
I’m here to shed light on my life no matter how boring it might be. I have
wanted to be an actor, a script writer. I wanted to be a great artist. Why did
God allow me to live when my appendix ruptured? I wanted to do something more
than guy bagging groceries, but lately I think that is where my life is
heading. I wanted to do YouTube videos, but they disabled my account because
someone clicked repeatedly on a video and of course, when I disputed this, I
didn’t write it well enough for them to reactivate it.

When I was in high school, I wanted to play football that didn’t work. I played
baseball as a kid who went nowhere. I wanted to sing and be in a rock group,
that didn’t work. I think I’m smart, but am I? I can’t dance. I can’t is so my
word these last few days. I wanted to do voice-over work but living in Idaho,
there is no school or help of any kind and no money you can’t move to a place
that can help.

So, my passion for what I want to be and do is gone, and I don’t know where my
life will go. I know my faith is so small an ant is too big.

So what do I do? Where do I go from here? I’ve done the college thing ran out
of loans and no degree to show for it. Those friends with their own businesses
won’t hire me because I live to far, but the main thing is I have no education.
I’m not fit I’m not hot I’m not female, so there are many things against me.
So, please tell me what to do? My passion is gone. People say others have it
worse, but why do I feel I’m living in the worst? (This I wrote off my meds.
Still trying to get them.)

2013 is it over Yet?

This year has started off just great. In June, college is over without a degree or a career aspect. I have to find a job that I know I’ll hate. I’m now out of another med and can have a psychotic break at any moment. Dreams are that, just empty dreams. Nothing coming true how much I hope and pray. Or work on it each day. I say I’m a writer without anything published or anything known to man. My faith in God and of people is gone. Suicide is not an answer, but is on my mind. Giving into doubt and endless wonder. Holding me here is my wife her family and part of mine. If God is in control, why does my life feel so out of control? This year has just begun, but I want it over.