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My Mental Health

First, I want to say I didn’t post this for notoriety or to become famous. I’m posting this because some are saying that those with mental illness can’t do things that can harm others. I say this is bullshit. If you know me, you know what I’ve gone through. I have dealt with mental illness for a few years in the matter of finding what medication works best for me. However, I have had thoughts of suicide and of killing others before. Many don’t know when I was younger, I was depressed a lot and slept a lot and didn’t hang out with the few friends I had because I didn’t feel up to it. I at times wanted to commit suicide because I felt I was worthless and that my life just sucked balls. I say this because my father wasn’t there and then when my parents got a divorce things went south for a time. I must say without my mom and those few friends I had, I would not be here today. I do now have a wife and a bigger family, but without them and their work with me on going to a psychologist and getting on the medication, I would be in jail or dead. Even with the dreams I have I would still think life is not worth living, and at times today I still have my moments of feeling life is worthless.

I want to let others know with mental illness, it is a disease and it isn’t funded and thought of as much as I would hope. But that’s the government for you, they even said with my ADHD, Bipolar and OCD that I was fine, and I didn’t need to be on disability while I got my MEDs worked out. BULLSHIT!

I needed help with money and time to get my head on right because no money was coming in, and we couldn’t live off of nothing. I couldn’t work I just took disability, and they fired me. Now this might not help me to get a job next year, but I have to tell my story.

We see with tragedy that people come together, but it only lasts a time. It doesn’t last year’s, maybe days to months. We need the support 24/7 for us mental cases. Without it there would be way more killings and suicide. I know that my family has gone through a patch where someone did almost commit suicide, and if it wasn’t for an Angel watching over them; they would have surely died. I can’t fathom what it would be like if God wasn’t in my life or at a bit of faith. If I didn’t have a religion or any sort of upbringing with God in it, I would flip off the sky and say, “You don’t exist and you suck big nuts.” Nevertheless, I can say that things suck balls and life go on, but without the support of family, friends, doctor’s, and medication, we would all be feeling sad because we would either be the one killing or being killed.

I lost so many jobs saying that I wanted to kill this person or that person. I lost my last job due to my disability (my mind was not right. I wasn’t on pills, then later I wasn’t on the right ones). If it wasn’t for me went to school at the time (using my financial aid to live off for three years now I have to get a job because ha-ha the money is gone), I would have committed suicide again but with school, it kept my mind on my dreams and aspiration.

When it comes down to the medication, I had no job and no insurance to pay for the pills, so I had to try all the generic, and they didn’t last long on helping me. I had to go with the pills that were hundreds of dollars. With that came St. Vincent de Paul without their free medication program, I wouldn’t be here typing this. I know that for a matter of fact.

Right now, I am without a couple of my pills and it has been for a couple of weeks due to incorrectly filled out papers on St Vincent and the drug companies. I’ve felt the change back, not all the way back, but enough to know the difference and my mind feels like it will explode without the pills, so I do hope they come soon most likely after Christmas, but I know they will come, and I can get back to normal.

In the end, we need to think of mental illness as an illness, there are chemicals in our brains that don’t work right or aren’t flipping on and off right. With this, it is due to all the processed foods and other things in our lives, but we poor people find cheap as a good thing. If we had fewer stressful jobs and medical bills and bills in general, we would have a fuller and happier life. But I’ve been without money and had to work my ASS off to get everything my little heart desires, and I say it’s time to feel free and less stressed and less depressed I will allow my pills to work for me and not against me even when there is such a negative thought about medication and mental illness.

Posted Dec-2012
Updated on June-2018

I wanted to update this post since it has been 6 years. I’m doing much better now and I have a job. I still want to be a screenwriter and I still have dreams for my life. I’m still married. Mental illness is still not being talked about unless there is a shooting or a celebrity suicide. Keep up with me as I try to get back to writing.

Sleep

Far behind in work oh work you’re not even to hard, yet you are. How can I make my time better? I sit here rocking in a rockingless chair. I sit here my neck in pain it can’t be popped. My sinus’ are all messed up this pill is useless. I don’t want to take another because I feel that I might sleep. OH, sleep last night you were elusive. Damn you, my body, I’m fat I feel like I’m not worthy to live, but I sit here thinking and working that if I wasn’t here. What would people be that I’ve impacted. Where would they be? Oh, silence I miss you; I want you, but only sleep is what I think about Oh will you let me be. Sleep.

Posted Nov-2012

Death (Winter)

My heart stops, my jaw drops. Why is this happening? It has to be a dream. When I called and was told this, this craziness this, we have to encounter at one time or another. It still makes you feel cold and feeling that thing can’t be true. The light feels as if the breaker to our lives has popped as if too many things are plugged in. As if, we are overloading ourselves with our daily routines, and filling our world of things that we can’t take with us. Why does it happen when the air gets colder and breathe is seen? I hate it that I had to see you in that bed. You didn’t say a word yet I miss you talking all the time. You told me of your trips to the wilderness. How you made a fire and just listened. How you went to the lake and sat in your small floating vessel. How the fish swam and fell for an old trick and you brought it on board and how later you cooked and ate it. Why did this have to happen now? Why didn’t you get up from the bed as if you took a long nap? Why? Your children hate this cold this seemingly yearly thing. We will remember and we will cry, but we will never forget.